It’s funny how quick people just stop caring about you after you stop putting an effort into a friendship. You realize that without your participation, there is absolutely nothing left. That the friendship was only alive because of your constant interest. Therefore, they obviously were neutral about the whole thing. You never mattered to them. You were just another person to have around.
It just hurts because, unlike them, they actually meant something to you. And when you realize this, and start losing everyone one by one, you are completely alone. And that is hard, to go from ignorance and company to knowledge and solitude.
I mean, it’s not like I’m a bad person or anything..
But nothing is flowing through my fingertips. It’s stuck in my mind and I can’t find a way to process it into words.
I feel like everyone is so fake and we all try to be nice with each other to get something out of it. And those who aren’t nice with you want nothing from you. You still don’t matter to those who are kind with you though, do you?
To put a smile on your face while you’re falling apart inside is a work of art. The lips are easy enough to move, but how can you make your eyes sparkle with joy if they’re filled with despair and loneliness? You can only hope that no one knows about pain enough to read it in your eyes.
It seems like even when I try to help out.. I fuck it up. I do. All I have is two ears and a heart, my mind likes to disappear pretty often, leaving my dark thoughts to linger in my empty skull. All of that combined is only asking for trouble. If I hurt you, or disappointed you, I’m sorry. I just hope you know that I wish no pain or struggle for anyone.
And even if I know that I haven’t crossed your mind for a second today, you’ve been on mine for quite a while. Not in a creepy way. I just… I just wish I mattered. That I could help and be important.
But wishing to be important is selfish. You have other people on your mind and too many thoughts to process that you probably don’t have place for me. It’s okay, you’ll keep your place in my head anyway. And in my heart.
Whenever you have place for me too, just let me know. I shouldn’t be too far away.