It’s funny how quick people just stop caring about you after you stop putting an effort into a friendship. You realize that without your participation, there is absolutely nothing left. That the friendship was only alive because of your constant interest. Therefore, they obviously were neutral about the whole thing. You never mattered to them. You were just another person to have around.
It just hurts because, unlike them, they actually meant something to you. And when you realize this, and start losing everyone one by one, you are completely alone. And that is hard, to go from ignorance and company to knowledge and solitude.
but come on. I would be there for every single one of you. I would be interested in pursuing a friendship with almost everyone I know.
Yet no one can start a conversation with me. No one has me as their first choice to spend time with. If someone talks to me, it’s to talk about their lives. And I nod and smile and react, but when comes time for me to speak about my feelings, my emotions, my life, who’s there to listen? I have maybe… two people I can think of? No more than three. And that’s pretty sad, considering the amount of people I’ve supported through problems big and small.
I keep telling myself to stay away and let people pursue me if they’re interested in having a simple chat, but I can’t do it. I’m just so eager with people, I keep hoping that today will be the day that they’ll finally warm up to me and want to put just as much effort into our friendship that I’ve been willing to make since the start.
But that day never comes. And I’m stuck in a world of fakes, of people who are polite just to seem good to the eyes of others. But if everyone spoke their mind without censors, I bet you most of my friends would probably admit that they don’t even like me that much.
And that hurts.
but I can’t.